Hour Follows Hour
by Arica Lynn
Summary: It's the last day of the Bartlet Administration and Josh finally realizes that he has to share his feelings for Donna WITH Donna. But she might have other plans...
1. Hour Follows Hour

Hour Follows Hour  
  
Category: Josh and Donna  
  
Rating: PG- 13... R eventually, probably, maybe.  
  
Notes and Disclaimer: This is total Josh and Donna drama/fluff. I figured someone had to make them happy and it mine as well be me. I stole a lot of my ideas from another fic I am writing so if and when the two start appearing together then be forewarned that they may seem a bit similar. As for the usual disclaimer, I make no money doing this (although let me tell you if I did I'd be an very, very happy girl) and these characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and now the proverbial property of John Wells... the verdicts still out as to how I feel about that.  
  
Summary: "You should go then," he responds finally. All I can do is nod. His smile returns, if only briefly. "Harvard," he repeats with the remnants of a grin. "You still have my sweatshirt don't you?" he asks with a raised eyebrow. I look away, trying to hide my embarrassment. Sure it's slight, but still. Then I see him smile again and before the smile fades it seems for an instant that all is right in the world. "I never meant to pressure you," he adds quietly. "I mean with the job, I just though..."  
  
Special Thanks: to 107.7 the Lake, a job without which I'd have any time to write. Ani DiFranco, who writes amazing music, including the song the inspired this story, "Hour Follows Hour". And as usual, Laura and Amy, for taking the chance on the first part of this... Thing.  
  
Hour follows hour like water follows water. Everything is governed by the rule of one thing leads to another. You can't really place blame 'cause blame is much to messy. Some was bound to get on you while you were trying to put it on me. And don't fool yourself into thinking that things are simple. Nobody's lying, still the stories don't line up. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
Part I – Hour Follows Hour  
  
I never thought it would feel this way.  
  
I knew there'd be sadness and confusion and, after just a few weeks as the assistant to the elusive Joshua Lyman, a place for me after this administration.  
  
But I never, ever, though I'd be faced with so much indecision.  
  
I AM sad. I AM confused. And, as predicted, there IS a place for me immediately after we leave here. A good place, with my own office, with a window, and my own assistant and... maybe even something more, but I'm not too sure that it's what. At least not anymore.  
  
If you had asked me four months ago... I would have been elated. I would have known EXACTLY what I wanted and smiled because I was pretty confident that I was on my way there. Three months prior to that, even though things had been good, and I mean really good, I had this harebrained idea, as I often do, that I, Donnatella Moss, wanted to go back to school and finish the degree I never hung around long enough to get. I did... I do... of course I couldn't really share this though. At least not with the one who really mattered. And by that, I of course mean, the ever present, Joshua Lyman. Because all roads lead to Josh. He would have laughed me out of the west wing, I'm sure of it. So, in a moment of weakness, I confided in one Claudia Jean Cregg who along with Leo, and what even surprised me, the President and Doctor Bartlet, wrote me GLOWING recommendations to send along to any college of my choosing. In the end, I sent applications to Berkley, Georgetown, Southeastern, Duke, and... Harvard. I knew it was a long shot, even with the 4.0 I pulled in Wisconsin, but I was determined. And, passing even my outlandish ways of understanding, I was accepted into each and every school, some, with scholarships. Not that cost had ever been something I'd thought about when I choose those five, practically at random. Originally it was a pipedream, but as the acceptance letters came tumbling in one, by one, I couldn't contain myself. I wanted to share in my joy, with everyone, but instead I kept to myself celebrating, with no specifics, at a small uptown bar south of the city with CJ. In the end, no one knew where I had applied, where had actually accepted me, and where I wanted to go. I intended on keeping it that way. I didn't need the opinions of the peanut gallery swaying my final decision.  
  
It was a toss up for a while. Berkley or Harvard? From one extreme to the other. And then one night, as I pulled an old sweatshirt out of the back of my closet to cover up in the dead of winter, I looked down at the big maroon letter embossed on the front and I knew. It was Josh's, something I'd "borrowed" with no intention of course of ever returning, a while back when I was staying with him after my thing in Gaza. Truth was, I guess I had always had my heart set on Harvard. With half of the tuition paid by a scholarship assigned specifically to nontraditional students, I figured I'd save money all summer and then just take out student loans to pay for the rest. I know first hand what its like to be a girl on a budget.  
  
Then Doctor Bartlet presented me with "the gift" as CJ and I have now coined it. A check for forty five thousand dollars marked Presidential Scholarship, in big block letters on the bottom. I nearly fainted. Harvard, even only for the two years that I needed to complete before graduation, was the most costly of them all. So I had graciously accepted the gift, hiding it in the safe underneath my bed until I figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life.  
  
The verdicts still out.  
  
It's half past one in the afternoon on January the Nineteenth, two thousand and seven. As I sit at my desk on our last day here I realize that I haven't gotten much accomplished. I've been working slowly, and even slowly might be an understatement, to clear out my desk and file any last minute paperwork. And between doing that I've been trying to advert my eyes from staring at Josh's dark, hard wood door. Its been closed a majority of the morning. He's been brooding. Actually, I think he has brought new meaning to the action of brooding. This is saying a lot coming from Joshua Lyman. Then again, there has been a lot in general coming from Josh these days. I can't tell if it's the thought of leaving the white house, or the prospect of the new job – Lyman and Cregg Consulting.  
  
This is where I fit in, the consulting firm, where I have a job, if I so choose, and a chance at a future as a political operative running circles round the beltway. I'm assuming you can see where I'd be torn as to what I'm now going to refer to as indecision two thousand and eight.  
  
The decision about the firm comes of course, after the vacations. The plan is as follows. I'm slated to spend a two-week stretch at the luxurious Moss complex (insert sarcasm) in downtown Wisconsin. After Wisconsin, I've been invited on an airfare paid trip to Paris with CJ who, after spending a week in Ohio to see her dad is meeting Josh in Orange County where they are going to run amuck with Sam. Before California, Josh is going to Florida to see his mom. I know all about his travel plans, I booked them. The firm itself isn't going to officially be up and running until sometime in April with no real set start date, just a location. The brownstone next to Josh's condo, which has been purchased and is currently being remolded to suite the needs of the operation. As a surprise to all of us, Josh has footed the bill for the entire project, plus start up funding by cashing in on a trust that was bestowed upon him just this past month on his forty fifty birthday.  
  
Yes folks, Josh Lyman if forty five years old.  
  
At the ripe age of thirty-five, I am in love with a man ten years my senior.  
  
Where in lies my problem. Eight years later, I can finally admit to myself that yes, I am in love with the brooding, charismatic, overbearing, egomaniac Joshua Lyman. God it feels good to say, well think, that out loud. I have yet to decide what to do with this knowledge, other than curse myself, and move as far away as humanly possible, but it is definitely playing hard on my current dilemma. CJ would beat me to death, and then kill me again if she knew for even a moment that I was making one of the most important decisions of my life based upon something she spotted too long ago for me to feel comfortable with. Regardless, there it is, like a big pink elephant in the middle of the room, staring down at me.  
  
Pink elephants... I've always hated the movie Dumbo.  
  
Josh's voice startles me as he speaks, placing a warm, strong hand, on my shoulder.  
  
"Donna," his tone is soft and more welcoming than I ever thought possible. Who is this man and what have they done with my hard ass boss? Lately I've been thinking that a lot.  
  
When I look up at him he's smiling. My god those dimples. I do everything in my power not to lift a hand to touch his face. I've got it bad. Eight years and one hell of a receding hairline (which gives him character I just wanted to add) later, on today of all days, I've got it bad.  
  
"Yes," I finally reply sweetly with a bright smile of my own.  
  
"Can I see you for a minute?" he asks, shifting his hand, sliding it slowly down my arm. "In my office," he nudges his head towards the door and I think that I actually quiver.  
  
"Sure," I reply as I stand, all too quickly as the room dips below me, and eagerly follow him into his office. For reasons passing understanding, I close the door.  
  
Things between Josh and I, in the last month, have been... different. Not exactly –I'd better close the door someone may be looking – different, just... different. So when I close the door, I guess in the back of my mind, it's not completely without reason. Hell, I might even say I actually do have concrete reason. And that scares me more than the prospect of anything else in this moment. As I've just recently discovered, at least on a conscious level, that I have feelings for Josh, that doesn't mean that he's always used filters. About two years ago, after a particularly trying day on the Hill, Josh came home, got completely obliterated and continued to spill the beans, figuratively and literally.  
  
It was the summer after my thing in Gaza – my choice description, no one else's. And Josh, being... well Josh, decided, because no matter what happens in life he will always be plagued with guilt, that while I recovered I was going to move in with him so that he could take care of me as I took care of him after his thing at Rosslyn – his choice description, not mine.  
  
The summer was long, warm, and tiring. One particularly brutal evening while I was doped up on way more pain medication that I should have been, Josh fell into a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and professed his undying love for me, at the top of his lungs, immediately before wrenching the entire contents of his stomach, all over the hardwood floor of his dining room. I got butterflies and a good laugh. Josh got humiliation and a hangover. And the incident was never brought up again. Except after that night, things had shifted. Only slightly at first, but then increasingly more so as time passed and we came to a silent agreement to just let whatever happened happen.  
  
And then Josh took a figurative bullet for the President in a move I will never quite forgive the man I've come to admire more than my own father, for. After that, everything changed. His posttraumatic stress disorder was made public and as his life went through the ringer he became more withdrawn than I have ever witnessed before. During those months I thanked every deity above for blessing me with the plans to apply to five of the top schools in the nation and not tell Josh. It was all the beginning of the cleansing, to rid my life of all things Lyman. Then, at Christmas, because the gods hate me I'm convinced, we had a breakthrough. Apologies were made, things were said, as well as implied and despite every warning bell going off in my head, Josh and I made good. Well better. And now, as I sit before this man, the man I am so obviously in love with that sometimes I think I should get t-shirts made, I'm practically shaking because he just took my hand in his.  
  
When we first entered the office I watched him. He rounded the desk, situated a small stack of files, the only thing left on his desk, and then sat down. He took one look at me, standing, still frozen by the door and then smiled. Damn those dimples, and once again rounded the desk, this time, approaching me, taking my hands as he led me to sit in one visitors chair in front of his desk while he quickly swung around to take the other.  
  
"You okay?" he asks as my hands quickly move from his and into my hair, fidgeting, smoothing it back, before resting again nervously on my lap.  
  
I nod, again too quickly, and I think he laughs. I can't really say because I'm too focused on his eyes, the brilliant brown pools that open right up into his soul. Oh my god I'm so screwed.  
  
"Donna..." again with the soft, almost sultry, if that's even possible, tone. My mind and in turn eyes, drift to his lips. "Donna..." he speaks again and I look up at his expectant eyes. "I just talked to the President. He would like you to join myself and the remainder of the senior staff at the residence for dinner at six thirty," Josh smiles and my heart skips a beat. "He says you deserve to be treated like one of us because you do my job better than I do."  
  
This time I smile back, if only to offset the hot tears that suddenly begin streaming down my face.  
  
"Hey, hey..." Josh begins as he brings a hand to my face to stop the tears with his thumb. "No tears. This is going to be a happy day," he pauses. "New beginnings..." his voice gets quiet. "At least for now. Look..." and there he goes trailing off. Never a good sign. He reaches across the desk and grabs an envelope sitting on the center of the pile of files. "I don't..." he pauses again, pressing his lips together as he thinks. "I know I... I don't..." he laughs nervously and I'm scared because in all of the years that I've known Josh I have never seen him act like this before. "I did this a while ago and I wasn't sure but... I... you... you can say no, I mean CJ just... don't get mad, she told me. I... I had no idea. I don't wanna...Donna please just..."  
  
"Josh," I finally find my voice having wanted to interrupt him after the first pause but unable to stop watching him fumble. I have no idea what is going on, but whatever it is, it's making me extremely nervous.  
  
"CJ told me," he says finally. "I didn't... I didn't know Donna," he takes my hand in his and begins tracing small circles on my palm. The entire process has me entranced. "I don't want to pressure you. The job offer was... the job... Donna you're totally qualified, eight years of this... maybe even over qualified, but I understand. I understand that you feel like you need, that you want to go back. I mean I get it I just..."  
  
"Josh," I sputter, having just begin to figure out his obscene train of thought. "I wanted to tell you, I did, but I was scared. I..."  
  
"You shouldn't have," he interrupts me and I almost laugh because, neither of us are making much sense. "What I meant to say was that you don't... you don't need to run things by me. I don't own you," he sighs. "I wish you would have told me though," and again. God he looks so cute when he's concerned. "I... Donna I would have moved the earth to get you into whatever school you wanted to go to."  
  
I smile despite the fact that he has just described exactly why I didn't tell him in the first place.  
  
"I know," I reply, giving him the look I reserve only for self serving Josh. "That's why I..." I laugh. "I mean its not entirely why I... Josh," I pause to take a breath and smile. "I wanted to... needed to do this on my own, just to... just to know that I could, that I can..."  
  
I get the dimple smile again.  
  
"And now?" he asks quietly.  
  
"I did..." I'm smiling again, at least for now. There are no more tears, just ridiculous smiles to be had all around. "I can," I continue.  
  
"CJ said she didn't know, I mean she knew you ere accepted places, but she didn't even know where you applied," he smirks. "I guess what I'm trying to ask is..."  
  
I cut him off.  
  
"Berkley, Georgetown, Southeastern, Duke and..." I can't help but smile as I finish off the list that I have practiced reciting so many times in my head. "Harvard."  
  
I'm greeted with more dimples.  
  
"Did you make a decision?" he asks with unadulterated excitement in his eyes.  
  
"I really want Harvard," I reply simply and just as fast as my smile appeared it fades as I watch, with the dawning of the situation at hand, his face fall.  
  
And then there's silence.  
  
"You should go then," he responds finally. All I can do is nod. His smile returns, if only briefly. "Harvard," he repeats with the remnants of a grin. "You still have my sweatshirt don't you?" he asks with a raised eyebrow. I look away, trying to hide my embarrassment. Sure it's slight, but still. Then I see him smile again and before the smile fades it seems for an instant that all is right in the world. "I never meant to pressure you," he adds quietly. "I mean with the job, I just though..."  
  
It's my turn to interrupt.  
  
"No," I begin firmly. "No Josh, don't. You didn't pressure me in any way I just..." I stop, really I have no idea what I'm going to say next, the words are just flowing out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea. "This is about me wanting to..." I stop again. For some reason he looks hopeful. Its like cause and affect when the words escape my lips. "I could go to Georgetown."  
  
"Donna..."  
  
"I could," truth was, I'd been thinking about it more and more lately. "And I could work for you and CJ part time."  
  
"No."  
  
Not at all the answer I had expected so I choose to ignore.  
  
"There's always night classes."  
  
"Donna what are you doing?" he asks as he stands and begins to pace.  
  
"Weighing my options," I reply suddenly nervous again.  
  
"You want Harvard, you're going to Harvard even if I have to pay for it."  
  
"I got a scholarship."  
  
"Because I can you know."  
  
"Josh I..."  
  
"Donna..." he sits down again. "You can't... we..." he snorts obviously annoyed with himself.  
  
"Look, lets talk about... when do you have to make a decision?"  
  
"End of next month."  
  
"Early admissions?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
I can tell he's resisting another proud smile. This is torture; I never wanted things here, on our last day in the white house, to end this way.  
  
"Well then," he sighs as he sits back in the chair and for the first time since we've broken contact I realize that I miss his touch. "I..." he laughs. "The reason I called you in here in the first place," he moves back to the envelops on the edge of the desk and for the first time I notice that there is also a small blue-ish green wrapped package sitting next to it. "This is for you," he smiles. "I know that you planned on going to Wisconsin for two weeks but..." he shakes his head. "I dunno, I couldn't get the tickets for any other time," he's still shaking his head, and now laughing, as he presents me with the envelope. With a quizzical look I open it. Inside is a round trip ticket to Maui and a hand written itinerary in Josh's small neat handwriting. My heart melts.  
  
"Josh you didn't have to..." I try to protest but he starts waving a hand in front of me to stop it.  
  
"I wanted to," he's smiling again. "I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, how much you've done for me."  
  
"You remembered?"  
  
"How could I forget?"  
  
"Are you going too?"  
  
Dimples.  
  
"Yes."  
  
And now he's moving closer, so close I can feel his breath and like the north pole to the south, I actually seem to feel gravity pulling me towards him. Our mouths are merely centimeters away from each other when a knock at the door springs us apart.  
  
"Donna?"  
  
It's Ginger. Josh closes his eyes and smiles as I stand.  
  
"Yeah," I say opening the door.  
  
"It's..." Ginger looks around, unsure if she'd been interrupting a moment. "It's two... we're all heading over to the mess but..." she looks to Josh. "We'll understand if..."  
  
"Senior Assistants Association," I provide, turning to Josh who is starting at me blankly. "Last chance to gossip."  
  
He nods and for a record time, I get more dimples.  
  
"Go," he says shoeing me away. I smile and then follow Ginger out of the room.  
  
"What's that?" she asks, motioning to the envelope as I stuff it into my bag.  
  
"Nothing," I reply, trying to sound as convincing as possible. Although I'm pretty sure, it doesn't work. 


	2. Try To Hold On

Disclaimers: see part I  
  
Part II- Try to Hold On  
  
Why do you try to hold on when you'll never get a hold on... you wouldn't try to put the ocean in a paper cup. 'Cause I have had something to prove, as long as I've had something that needs improvement. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
"I now call to order the final meeting of the West Wing Senior Assistants Association," Margaret begins and with that she snaps open the tab of her diet coke. The rest of us, Ginger, Bonnie, Carol, and myself, do the same and we all pause for a moment to dip in our straws and savior the taste of our first sip.  
  
This is ritual. We've been having a meeting like this every Saturday, as often as possible, so long as we can manage to sit around and engage in mindless gossip. If our bosses knew they'd probably pitch fits. Too late for that I guess.  
  
With a smile Ginger is the first one to speak.  
  
"Toby brought me and Bonnie flowers today," as she finishes her eyes glisten with tears and for a moment the sentiment, especially when you consider the source, causes me to choke up too.  
  
"Yellow roses," Bonnie confirms. "And, he said there's more to come. He even smiled when he said he was going to miss us."  
  
"Andi's bringing the twins in at three," Ginger continues. This means that we will be cutting our last WWSAA meeting short. We all smile, because that's alright. The twins, Huck and Molly, are four now and just about the cutest things this childless group of ours has ever seen. To say that Toby is a changed man when they're around is the understatement of the century.  
  
"CJ bought me diamonds," Carol joins in on the boss bragging. We all look to her a moment, shocked. Then she laughs as, pulling away the cardigan sweater she has worn down to the mess, she reveals a small diamond studded goldfish pin. "It's like hers," Carol adds smiling wide, her eyes squinting as they always do when she smiles. "It's so I won't miss Gail."  
  
We all laugh. Gail has lived longer than any goldfish I know.  
  
"Leo bought me this," Margaret gushes, pulling a very expensive looking off white silk scarf from her pocket. Inside it is an even more beautiful pearl bracelet. And I say this not generally being a fan of pearls. Everyone admires the bracelet, gawking at its weight as we pass it around.  
  
"Your turn." Bonnie says, turning to me. I swear to god I blush on the spot. They don't seem to notice. Or maybe they do and they're just used to it.  
  
"He didn't give it to her yet," Ginger saves me. "I saw the package on his desk. It looks like a Tiffany's box," she adds grinning wildly. I'd thank her for the save if I weren't so shocked at her description. Thought I was pretty sure upon seeing the package that it was for me, I have to honestly say that the intricate wrapping and signature Tiffany's color never registered in my mind. I bite my tongue to stop myself from blurting out what I'm thinking. Holy shit. "Looked like a necklace," she finishes.  
  
I smile and shrug. I'm trying to look nonchalant. They've never said it out loud but I'm pretty sure that the entire WWSAA (West Wing Senior Assistants Association for short) – all five of us – know that I have feelings deeper than friendship for Josh.  
  
Carol flashes me a knowing grin.  
  
"You guys can we talk seriously for a second?" I ask, smiling nervously. Of the group, Carol is the only one that I can imagine has any idea what I'm about to say. But even she's probably clueless. I can tell just form the look in the eyes of the rest of them that they think this is going to be about Josh. It's not... well not entirely.  
  
"A couple of months ago, I applied and got accepted to Harvard," I state simply. A few jaws drop. Mainly just Margaret's. She thankfully recovers quickly.  
  
"You're not taking the job with Josh and CJ?" Carol asks immediately. She IS taking a job with Josh and CJ as the firms press coordinator.  
  
I shrug.  
  
"I don't really know," and I answer honestly. This day has been nothing but confusion.  
  
"I didn't even know that you wanted to go back to school," Bonnie provides, breaking the silence that has fallen on the group after my last comment.  
  
I smile.  
  
"I did..." I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them again four other sets of eyes are staring at me. "I do," I add with a strong, confident nod.  
  
"But what about the job?" Ginger is the first to ask what I'm going to assume is one of a million questions. "It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I mean if I wasn't going to California to work for Sam I'd be there too. A job like this only comes around once in a lifetime, are you sure you want to pass it up?"  
  
I want to laugh out loud. THIS job, the one we're leaving in a few short hours, comes along once in a lifetime. The job with CJ and Josh... if I even thought for a MINUTE they'd abandon me if I choose school over them I'd never want to take the job with them to begin with. CJ and Josh, they are my friends. And while the women of the WWSAA are my confidants, I don't trust them like I do the actual senior staff. It's so weird; the other assistants all seem so focused on the idea of me at the firm, I can't help wondering if they have ulterior motives. I can just tell they do by the solemn nods they give after Ginger states her case. I can't help wondering if they're all still thinking the same thing I am... what about Josh? I must admit that is actually what I want them to ask me.  
  
"Well..." I begin slowly. "If the firm is as successful as I'm sure it will be, imagine the credibility I'll have with a degree from Harvard," I finish with a smile.  
  
Ginger is the only one who seems satisfied.  
  
"Do Josh and CJ know?" Carol asks.  
  
I nod.  
  
"CJ's been in on it since the beginning, she actually wrote me some recommendations," I pause. "Josh um..." I laugh. "I just told him," I finish softly.  
  
"And?" Margaret can't get the word out fast enough.  
  
"He says go."  
  
The shocked looks I got when I dropped the college bomb have nothing on the eyes staring at me right now.  
  
"He says go?" Margaret repeats. I nod and she shakes her head.  
  
"Bastard," she mutters quietly.  
  
"Jackass," Ginger adds in her favorite Doctor B impression.  
  
"Idiot," Bonnie practically shouts.  
  
"I can't even..." Carol is the only one without choice words.  
  
I'm thisclose to laughing.  
  
"He's proud of me," I say with another shrug and a sip of my coke. "And he trusts I'll make the right decision."  
  
"If he was any bit the man I thought he was..." Bonnie begins but stops when Ginger hits her arm.  
  
This time I actually do laugh.  
  
"He's taking me to Hawaii," I counter when my fit of giggles ends. Shit, did that just come out?  
  
"Who?" Carol asks. Okay... yeah... that was pretty random. I'm screwed. Here we go.  
  
"Josh," I reply quietly. Shock, as predicted, ensues.  
  
"Hawaii?" Margaret repeats.  
  
"When?" Ginger asks.  
  
"Week and a half."  
  
"I thought you were going to Wisconsin?" Ginger again.  
  
"And he's going to visit Sam?" and Bonnie.  
  
"Plans change?" I offer. I can't hide the smile creeping to my lips. I hadn't have the time to really look at the itinerary, but I did notice that I was flying out of Wisconsin, halfway into the second week of my supposed stay at my parents and that the trip was set to last three weeks.  
  
"How long?" Ginger asks. Now's she's smiling too.  
  
"Two weeks," I lie. I might be glowing.  
  
"And the gift on his desk?" Margaret asks, her curiosity, as always, has gotten the best of her.  
  
I shrug.  
  
"I have no idea..." ok so maybe I'm like ninety nine percent sure that its for me, but still.  
  
"Oh its yours," Margaret is animate about this. So animate that I think that she might know more then she lets on. She usually does, so I pry.  
  
"How do you know?" I ask as if I don't care. I bet they can see right through me.  
  
"Trust me, I do," is all Margaret replies.  
  
"I mean maybe it's for Amy Gardner," I add casually. "Ever since she came back last year to be the First Lady's chief of staff, the second time, she and Josh have been kinda chummy."  
  
"As if!" Carol blurts out. I feel like I'm trapped in a cheesy nineties teen comedy.  
  
"That's bullshit!" Ginger concurs, her Jersey girl heritage slipping out. "And you know it."  
  
I'm smiling again. She's more than right she's dead on. It's been way too long since the sight of Amy Gardner hasn't sent Josh running in the opposite direction. It's more of a relief to me than anyone knows.  
  
"What do you think it is?" Bonnie finally ponders and I take a moment to wonder to myself how all conversation has taken a turn in the 'lets dissect Donna's life' direction. Oh, wait, that's right. I brought it here. What was I thinking?  
  
"It was a long box," Ginger provides and as the conversation takes on a life of its own, without me, my mind beings to wander. I watch in wonder as the women around me speak. First I'm thinking about Hawaii, then the package, then Josh... Josh's package. Oh my god. Did I really just think about that? What the hell am I going to do?  
  
"What do you think?" Bonnie's looking at me. Oh no, Bonnie's talking to me. I have no idea what she just said.  
  
"Um... yeah," I reply because I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. And, I'm an idiot.  
  
The response I receive from the women around me is hysterical laughter.  
  
"So you agree that Josh has the cutest butt in politics?" Carol responds through tears. She's been laughing to hard she can barely breathe.  
  
I smile. No use denying.  
  
"Well... yeah!" I announce with what I like to call my Kool-Aid smile, the one that crinkles my eyes. Josh has told me, more than once, that he loves this smile. The thought makes me smile just a little more.  
  
We all laugh. And it feels so good to laugh one last time with these women. Finally, when the laughter dies down, Bonnie takes it upon herself to get serious.  
  
"So what are you going to do?" she asks, again turning to me.  
  
I shrug. 'Bout what?  
  
"'Bout what?"  
  
"Harvard?" Bonnie provides.  
  
"Hawaii?" Ginger's next.  
  
"Josh?" and Margaret.  
  
And suddenly I realize that I'm not going to be let out of this room without providing some answers.  
  
"Georgetown," it's the first thought that comes to my head and the first word to escape my lips.  
  
"Georgetown?" Carol asks confused.  
  
"I..." I'm stuttering, great. "I could go to Georgetown."  
  
"Did you apply?" Margaret asks.  
  
"Yes. They actually offered me a full ride," I answer with a prominent sigh. I'm met with more than one scrutinizing look. I think that they all have something to say but on ones brave enough to go first.  
  
"Then it's settled," Bonnie takes the leap. "Did Harvard offer you a full ride?"  
  
"No," I'm honest. I want to say more, want to say it doesn't matter, but financial disclosure – the partial scholarship, the presidential scholarship, Josh's offer, none of it seems appropriate to mention right now.  
  
"Then why question it? Stay here, work part time for the firm and go to Georgetown!" Bonnie continues as though she's solved all life's mysteries. I resist every urge imaginable not to roll my eyes. If only it were that simple.  
  
"Are you out of your mind?" Ginger counters. "This is HARVARD. HAR-VARD!" she repeats slowly. "She can't pass that up!" she seems outraged that Bonnie would even suggest such a thing.  
  
"But what about Josh?" Carol asks the seventy five million dollar question.  
  
"What about Josh?" Ginger asks and again the conversation about me goes on without ME. "She's can't live her life for him. Especially if he can't even share how he feels about her with HER!"  
  
My god, is this really happening?  
  
"Sure she can!" Margaret interjects. "I mean, come on he's obviously in LO- "  
  
"Aunt Don-DA!" Huck comes flying across the room, throwing himself into my arms. Saved. I know what Margaret was going to say and I'm not too sure I could have handled that. Molly soon follows, taking quickly to Ginger. Ever since last summer Ginger and I have been the twins favorite people thanks to a day at the beach and a long weekend involving embarrassing the hell outta Josh and LOTS of ice cream. Each and every one of Toby and Andi's closest friends in the west wing are affectionately aunt and uncle.  
  
"Sorry..." Toby comes in scurrying after them. Seeing Toby scurry is quite a sight. "Sorry," he repeats as he pulls Molly off of Ginger's leg where she seems to be getting peanut butter on Ginger's skirt.  
  
Huck who, for reasons passing understanding, took a liking to me early on, is content crawling into my lap and nuzzling his head into my neck.  
  
"You smell pretty Aunt Don-da," he says sweetly. I laugh as Toby groans.  
  
"It's Donna," Toby mutters to his son as he ruffles a hand through his child's brown hair. "We've been over this. You are four now, you can say Donna."  
  
Toby hates the terms of endearment the kids developed when they were too young to pronounce each of our names. I think it's cute. You should hear what they called Josh, a habit they were quickly broken of.  
  
"Hi Aunt Donna," Molly says sweetly and we all smile.  
  
Looks like the final meetings of the West Wing Senior Assistants Association has come to an abrupt halt. Toby puts Molly down and Andi joins us as we all being fawning over the children.  
  
I can think of worst ways to spend my last day here.  
  
Of course I can also think of better... 


	3. A Womens Movement

Disclaimers: See Part I  
  
Part III – A Women's Movement  
  
And you know every time I move I make a women's movement. And first you decide what you've got to do, and you go out and do it. And maybe the most that we can do is just to see each other through it. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
I stop in Carol's office when I hear not one, but two familiar voices behind CJ's door.  
  
"I can't help but be proud!" Josh is yelling and his voice is doing that thing where it gets all high-pitched and squealing.  
  
"You should be!" CJ shouts back and I'm pretty sure, after only two sentences, I know EXACTLY what they're talking about. I should leave. I should leave right now. But I can't seem to make myself move from this spot.  
  
"I can't believe you didn't tell me," Josh sounds defeated and I'm thoroughly shocked at how thin the walls to CJ's office actually are.  
  
"She needs to do this without you Josh," CJ sounds worn down. They must have been going at it for a while before I arrived. "She can't rely on you for the rest of her life!" she's screaming again so I can only imagine the face he made to get that sort of response.  
  
"Maybe I want her to rely on me!" Josh is also yelling and from they way his voice is traveling around the room, I am to assume, pacing. I don't dare take a look inside. "Maybe I like that," he's practically ranting. "Maybe I take pride in being able to provide for her. Maybe," he talks so loudly now that I almost feel as though I'm in the room with them. I have not seen Josh this unhinged since before Christmas. "Maybe," he repeats. "That's my goal in life, to provide for Donnatella Moss," holy shit, he used the whole name. "Because I'm in LOVE WITH HER!"  
  
Ok so Margaret almost mentioning it has nothing on the way I feel now that Josh has actually spoken the words out loud. I think I'm going to be sick. Thing is, I can't help but smile. I'm stunned, speechless, confused, and a crap load of other emotions, yet, above all, I'm relieved. I mean, I thought... I was almost certain, Josh felt that way about me, but to heat him say it out loud. Suddenly I have the urge to go in there and jump on him. Thing is, once that happens, I fear I'll never let go.  
  
"Jesus Christ Joshua!" and CJ's yelling again. "Say that a little louder, I don't think they heard you at the CAPITOL!" I can see her, in my mind, smacking him upside the head.  
  
"What does it matter?" and we're back to defeated Josh.  
  
This time I actually hear CJ smack Josh upside the head.  
  
"What does it matter!" and she's still yelling, only this time, there seems to be more conviction. "What does it MATTER!" uh oh... when CJ repeats herself its never good. "Because she loves you back, that's what MATTERS!"  
  
I think I might actually be dying.  
  
Let it be known that I never once actually verbally admitted to CJ, or anyone for that matter, that I was in love with Josh. Not to say that it isn't true, but still. Oh my god, how am I ever going to look Josh in the eye again?  
  
"SO what..." is Josh's reply. "So she loves me back..." he's speaking so quietly that if he wasn't practically standing on top of the door I probably never would have heard him. "That won't matter when she's at Harvard with single guys her age."  
  
"Boy are you dumb!" is CJ's reply and I almost laugh out loud. I love CJ. "Josh..." she continues and for a second she's eerily calm. "EIGHT YEARS!" and there's the explosion. I actually wince, if Josh's little outburst could be heard at the Capitol then CJ's sending her message to Maryland. "She's been in love with you for EIGHT YEARS! How could you even think for a moment that she'd go off to school and just forget about you? It's not gonna happen! Besides that, she's not going away until August. It's January, you have months, MONTHS JOSHUA to spend together. You are not children you are grown adults who are IN LOVE! Carpe diem mi amore, you've both waited way too long for this to happen."  
  
And I'm smiling. And my smile is so big that I think there are actually tears in my eyes. I always thought that if I'd heard someone, other than myself, confess my love for Josh, to Josh, I'd die of embarrassment but I was wrong. I actually want to run into CJ's office right now and give her a great big hug. This can work... this thing between Josh and me, and even CJ believes in it. I really do love her.  
  
I can hear Josh collapsing onto CJ's couch and things are silent. I take that as my cue to knock.  
  
"CJ?" I call out before opening the door.  
  
Any tension that might have been seen in Josh's features fades immediately. It's actually as though I see it disappear as he looks at me smiles.  
  
"Hey," he says softly.  
  
"Hi," I reply with my own sweet smile.  
  
Out of the corner of my eyes I can see CJ roll hers and I almost laugh.  
  
"Can I..." I look from Josh to CJ. "CJ Can we talk for a minute?"  
  
"Sure," CJ replied eagerly. She turns to Josh. "Idiot boy, will you excuse us please?"  
  
He nods and stands. He looks so cute I could jump him. I really need to stop thinking like that.  
  
"I..." he starts talking as he walks towards the door. "When you're done here," he turns towards me. "Can we..." he kinda nudges his head towards his office across the hall. Oddly enough, ok so maybe not so oddly... I know exactly what he wants. "Yeah," I reply with a smile. "When we're done. It'll just be a minute."  
  
He smiles back and shuts the door as he leaves. Now it's my turn to plop heavily onto CJ's couch. CJ is seated at her desk.  
  
"How much of that did you hear?" she asks, peering down at me over her glasses.  
  
I can't help but smile.  
  
"Enough," I say with a nod. She laughs, her infamous CJ chuckle. I love that laugh, I am going to miss that laugh.  
  
"And?" she asks sitting up a bit.  
  
I look down at my hands, where I am nervously twirling my bracelet around on my wrist and then back up at her shyly.  
  
"I do love him," I admit with a sigh.  
  
"Tell me something I don't already know." CJ replies with a shrug.  
  
"I knew he loved me too. I mean in no certain terms, but to hear him..."  
  
"You heard that?"  
  
"He's just scared CJ."  
  
"You always stick up for him!" he voice has gone high pitch again.  
  
"Yeah, but this time it's alright," I smile because I don't know how else to handle her at the moment.  
  
"I cannot BELIEVE I'm willing to admit that," she smiles back and the knot that was forming just a second ago, in the pits of my stomach, has loosened considerably. "I'm just glad that even though you're both now keen to this..." she throws her arms out in front of her. "Thing... you're still going to go away to school. And Harvard? Donna, I had no idea," she's smiling that proud smile Josh was giving me earlier today. "Good for you!"  
  
I smile back, but just as quickly my smile falters. I hope she doesn't notice.  
  
"That's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about," I admit quietly.  
  
"What?" CJ asks slightly confused. She narrows her eyes at me. "Harvard?"  
  
"Yeah..." I shake my head. "Well... sorta... I..." she is going to kill me. In fact, I can tell just by her posture that she's ready to pounce.  
  
"I also got accepted to Georgetown," I begin slowly. "And I was thinking..."  
  
"Donna NO!" not only is she cutting me off, but she's also standing. This can't be good. "You cannot make choices based solely upon your feelings for him. No. I won't let you. He told me Donna... he told me about the look in your eyes when you said Harvard. I'm not gonna let you stay here and go to Georgetown."  
  
"CJ..."  
  
"No."  
  
"It took us so long to get here CJ, what if I leave and..."  
  
"You're both idiots!" and we're back to the yelling. Thank god nearly everyone's either gone for the day or has enough sense just to ignore everything that's going on at this end of the building. She's moved closer to me now, so that she's practically on top of me, staring down in an oh so intimidating way. "I was wrong Donna when you and I had that talk, the night of the lockdown before you went... and the thing... I was wrong, I... you and Josh you're you and Josh, there's... there's nothing else. Stop questioning and just let it be."  
  
"CJ..."  
  
"Donna no."  
  
"CJ..."  
  
"I was wrong that last time but just listen to me, just this once, I swear to you..."  
  
"CJ..."  
  
"Please."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said thank you," I'm smiling sweetly. So sweetly its sick.  
  
"GET OUT!" she yells half laughing as she points to the door. I start laughing too as I scurry away and make a bee line for Josh's office. Unfortunately, I'm stopped when I see none other than Doctor Bartlet sitting at my desk. If Josh's door were open right now he'd be having a nutty I'm sure of it.  
  
"Doctor Bartlet," I say smiling at her. I've been smiling so much in the last couple of minute that I think my jaw is actually beginning to hurt.  
  
"Good afternoon Donna," she speaks and stands which is odd because usually it's the other way around. But this seems to be the strangest day of my life thus far so, yanno, I'm not really going to question it. "You've been holding out on me," she adds with a smile as she picks a stray hair off of the shoulder of my sweater. I smile. It's been a long time since I've seen my own mother and it feels nice to once and while be doted upon by the First Lady. "Harvard..." and here she goes with the proud grin. I wonder who told her.  
  
"Yes ma'am..."  
  
"Abbey Donna, for petes sake would you please call me Abbey."  
  
I smile.  
  
"Abbey I... I was going to tell you but I wasn't sure until... well now I guess. It's just..." I pause. "How did you find out?  
  
She laughs. Doctor Bartlet's is another distinctive laugh that I'm going to miss.  
  
"Little know fact," she begins. "My husband's eavesdropping skills rival any women in this building's," she is grinning. "We'll just leave it at that."  
  
I'm smiling so widely that I think maybe my jaw might crack.  
  
"We're so PROUD of you," she adds, pulling me into a hug. I can't help it; there are immediately tears in my eyes.  
  
And this is how Josh finds us minutes later.  
  
"Donna," he bellows, opening his door. I hear him, hell I even seem him, but I make no attempt to move. "Doctor Bartlet," he immediately seems embarrassed. I'm not sure if its because he yelled or because of the position I'm in, the position we're in, the First Lady and I.  
  
"Oh Joshua," Doctor Bartlet turns to him. "Can you believe," she holds me at arms length. "Our little Donna, all grown up."  
  
Josh and I both grown and Doctor Bartlet laughs.  
  
"Beautiful isn't she?" Doctor Bartlet adds with one of her timeless grins.  
  
"Yes Ma'am," Josh is smiling. "She really is."  
  
I think I blush about twenty-seven shades of reds and pinks. This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder.  
  
"I take it you had something important you needed her for?" Doctor Bartlet suggests turning to Josh.  
  
"I..." Josh stumbles but only for a moment. "Yes Ma'am."  
  
"Well then," she smoothes her skirt as she makes a move to leave. "I'll be seeing you two at dinner I assume."  
  
"Yes Ma'am," Josh and I reply in unison and we both watch as Doctor Bartlet, the confident superwoman that I aspire to be, saunters away. 


	4. Water In The River

Part IV- Water In The River  
  
Hour follows hour like water in the river. And from one to the next we don't know what each hour will deliver. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
As I stand next to Josh, still staring down the hallway, long after Doctor Bartlet has left us, we're both silent. Not a bad uncomfortable silence where everything feels awkward and forced... scary, if you will... but a good silence, a comfortable silence, where just one look can speak volumes, and it would, it I could just get Josh to look at me.  
  
And as though wishing made it so, he turns to me and smiles and I practically melt right then and there. That smile is going to be the death of me.  
  
I smile back. Not quite as confidently, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, suddenly nervous.  
  
"Com'ere," he says nudging his head before he side steps into his office. I nod, even though he doesn't notice, and follow him quietly. We were... are... the only ones in the bullpen so the clicking of my heels against the linoleum really echoes and I cringe with each step. Its adding to the sudden awkwardness of the situation.  
  
He's sitting in the visitor's chair again, furthest from the door, and he watches me as I enter the room, looking from me to the other chair, as if I didn't already know that I should sit there.  
  
I smile and take a seat.  
  
"Did you get a chance to look at the iteniary yet?" he asks sweetly.  
  
I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. It's a nervous habit. I'm nervous. Why the hell am I nervous?  
  
I think he's noticed because his smile is more reassuring than the one before.  
  
"Donna," he begins softly and my heart skips a beat. This is unbelievable. Twenty minutes ago when I heard him tell CJ that he loved me and I didn't think that I'd ever be able to look at him again, I didn't actually believe my own thoughts. But right now, as I sit here, I am actually freaking out. Hopefully it doesn't show on my face. Oh my god what is wrong with me?  
  
"Hey," he frowns when I don't respond and his hand is on my face in an instant, my cheek to be exact. I give it three seconds before his thumb begins to move. One, two... oh yeah. I close my eyes and revel in his touch. "You okay?" he asks when my eyes don't open back up immediately.  
  
I blink repeatedly and then finally open my eyes and smile.  
  
"Yeah," I sigh. "I'm..." I laugh a little. "I'm fine."  
  
"You sure?" this is the most concerned I've seen him since a couple of summer's ago when every sound emitted from my body required an 'are you okay?' from Josh.  
  
"Positive," I reply as I suddenly start to feel like myself again. That was weird.  
  
"SO you haven't checked out the itinerary yet?" he asks again.  
  
"No," I reply simply. "Haven't really had the chance."  
  
"Oh..." he's questioning me.  
  
"Besides," I smile as I lower my voice. My eyes drifting to the packing that, I might add, is definitely from Tiffany's. "I like surprises," I finish.  
  
He gets up and closes the door. Not five minutes ago I would have been nervous. Now, suddenly, it's alright. In fact, suddenly, I'm excited.  
  
"If you like surprises," Josh begins as he sits back down. "Then," he picks up the package. "You're going to love this," he hands the package to me and he's grinning like an idiot. This smile is second only to the one where his dimples leave actual marks on his face long after the smile as left him, as my favorite.  
  
I take the box and stare at him for a moment, also grinning like a fool, before I pull on the soft white ribbon, never once breaking eye contact with Josh. It's like a scene from a movie and I suddenly feel like Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' yanno, minus the whole hooker thing.  
  
When the ribbon is removed I finally break my gaze from him and turn to the contents at hand. I open the box and inside find a delicate silver chain upon which sits a small silver lowercase letter D. It's a cursive letter, and its from the Elsa Peretti collection and I've wanted one of these for oh about eight years now.  
  
My jaw drops. I'm astounded. Very early on in the first campaign we were in New York City for an afternoon of campaigning and Leo, noticing the utter burnout of his entire staff, sent us all on a break to clear our minds. Josh and I decided on a walk. His mother's birthday was coming up and he wanted a second opinion on her gift. I was more than happy to oblige as I was still pretty green and I'm willing to admit, crushing on Josh pretty hard.  
  
He had almost decided on a ridiculously expensive silk scarf at Macy's when we walked by the jewelry counter and he stopped. Dropping the scarf, he grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the store and told me that we were getting a cab and going to Tiffany's.  
  
Before leaving Madison to drive to New Hampshire I'd only ever been to two other states in my life. Orlando, Florida for spring break my freshman year of college with my friend Stephanie and Buffalo, New York, three years after, when Doctor Freeride needed to attend a conference and fancy dinner for which he needed a trophy date. Tall, blond, thin, and leggy, I guess I was perfect. Needless to say, neither of these places held a candle to the grandeur of the Big Apple. It was unreal.  
  
When Josh had suggested going to Tiffany's I nearly died. Tiffany's was a fairy tale. A place I'd only thought I'd ever visit in my dreams. The cab dropped us off and I was in awe. The window displays, the gold lettering, the doorman, everywhere I looked required my jaw to drop a little further.  
  
We entered and I was like a kid in a candy store. At first I was slightly embarrassed, but eventually the embarrassment subsided as Josh seemed to actually enjoy watching me gawk at jewelry I'd never in a million years be able to afford. That's when I spotted the necklace. The fragile silver D. It was just perfect and relatively cheap, for Tiffany's standards at least and I would have bought it if I weren't so completely dirt poor. I had just started on salary with the Bartlet For America staff and unfortunately had a boatload of unpaid bills. Without even thinking Josh offered to buy it for me but I quickly refused. Even then I knew all about the repercussions of a thing like that. Josh didn't seem to care but I dismissed the idea quickly.  
  
In the end he settled on a stunning pair of diamond teardrop earrings that I thought would set him back at least a month's salary. I had no idea at the time that he was pretty much independently wealthy.  
  
We left Tiffany's and I dreamed of one day owning a piece of jewelry from there.  
  
A week later I forgot all about it. Which is why I am so amazed that Josh, of all people, has remembered.  
  
"Josh..." I manage to squeak out as my hand glides across the cool silver. I look up at him and he's blurry. That's when I notice that there are tears in my eyes. "It's beautiful," I sniffle and smile. And then I close my eyes as more tears fall. When I open my eyes, he's smiling at me, with the dimples in full force. "I can't believe you remembered," I manage to choke out.  
  
"Are you kidding me?" he asks and his voice is kinda high pitched and squeaky like it was when he was yelling in CJ's office. Its almost as though... no, there's no possible way that he could be choked up too. "How could I forget?" his voice has steadied. "The look in your eyes when we saw this..." he shook his head at the memory. "If it wasn't for the financial disclosure and yanno... other stuff..." he added gesturing to the room around him with his hands. Strong, beautiful, amazing hands. "I would have bought it for you that first Christmas. Yanno," he's smiling again. "The one after you came back to me," and wagging his eyebrows at me. "Instead of that stupid book."  
  
"The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing?" I reply without any thought. "That stupid book?"  
  
"You still remember the title?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me.  
  
"Still remember the title?" I ask eyes wide. Is he kidding? "Are you kidding?"  
  
"Donna..."  
  
"Still remember the title..." I may be ranting. "That stupid book..." yeah definitely ranting. "JOSH!" I throw the ribbon from the Tiffany's box at his head. It falls to his hands and he's laughing. "It was just about the sweetest thing anybody's ever given me!" I add ready to throw the box top at him also.  
  
He throws his hands up, surrendering to defeat.  
  
"You asked if ski's would have killed me!" he shouts and it's obvious he's joking. He's so damn cute.  
  
"Misdirection JOSH!" I shout back, laughing along with him.  
  
"Donna I..."  
  
"Donnatella..." I start reciting the inscription. I've read it so many times that I can repeat it from memory without much thought. "I've never been good with words... that's Sam's job. And this seemed too personal to take to him... so here goes nothing. I just wanted to let you know... I do find you valuable and, although it'll probably be the last time I admit this to you, you were right. And so... I leave you with this gift and a quote that I think says it better than I ever could. Merry Christmas, Love Joshua..." I take a deep breath because there are tears in my eyes and Josh, as if on cue, finishes for me.  
  
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give you value to survive," his voice is pretty steady as he speaks and quakes only slightly, ever so briefly at the end.  
  
"CS Lewis," I add with a nod.  
  
"CS Lewis," he repeats. "When I was in college I had a friend..." his smile is so genuine that I can't help but tease a little.  
  
"Girlfriend?" I offer.  
  
"Friend," he repeats. "She was an English major and she loved quotes," he laughs. "She was constantly walking about sputtering something profound that she'd just read. When we graduated, she wrote me this letter... it was a bunch of her favorite quotes with comments and memories and such attached to them. I still have the letter somewhere I'm sure," he adds with a distant look. "But after all these years, that one quote always stuck with me," he sighs. "Anyway, it just reminded me of you."  
  
I smile. It's just about the sweetest thing he's ever said. I am seriously beginning to doubt that this is the real Josh Lyman.  
  
"I read that inscription about fifty times that night," I reply sheepishly. "The book is on my nightstand next to my bed," I admit with no regret.  
  
He nods, and it looks like he's about to say something but he doesn't. He just stares at me. After a moment it becomes unnerving.  
  
And suddenly I'm nervous again. Too nervous to speak, so I just stare back at him. We, Josh and I, have probably never been this quiet in our lives.  
  
"You want some help with that?" Josh breaks the silence, gesturing to the necklace.  
  
"Oh," I say my hand, instinctively moving to my bare neck. "Yes please."  
  
He stands and moves behind me. I look up at him, still smiling, and hand him the necklace. I'm wearing a light purple v-neck sweater that plunges kinda low but I figured on our last day, what the hell. My hair is down, as usual, and I actually shiver as Josh pulls it back and moves it to my shoulder.  
  
I watch in awe as he brings the necklace out in front of me, and I smile as his hands, his fingertips really, lightly graze the back of my neck as he fastens the clasp. This is way more erotic for me than it should be, but I'm a woman in her prime who hasn't had sex in a long time and it feels so good to have Josh touch me, that I actually think I might have moaned softly as he brushes my hair back and moves to return to his seat in front of me.  
  
Before he can do so, I grab his hand and he stops. I look up at him and his happiness mirrors mine. Before I even realize what I'm doing I pull him towards me, and into an impossibly deep kiss. We're in the most awkward position imaginable, but neither of us seems to care.  
  
When the kiss breaks, I'm smiling like a fool and Josh is smirking like an idiot. I'd smack him just like CJ does if he wasn't so goddamned cute, and I wasn't so set on getting back to the kissing.  
  
"What was that for?" he asks, staring down at me. I let out a noise, which could be a cry of frustration, that's if I was frustrated... well on a normal level... and pull him back towards me for another kiss that'll surely put him in his place.  
  
This is not the first time that Josh and I have kissed. But it is the first time that Josh and I have kissed in the West Wing. New Years Eve 2005 would be the official home to out first kiss, followed by our first night together. But before you go thinking things that you shouldn't, let me explain.  
  
It was a year after I'd moved out of Josh's condo and into my own place, a sublet just a couple of blocks away, (I had to give up my spot in my apartment with Laura, my roommate with the cats) and things between us had slowly been taking a turn for the better. I wasn't speaking to my sister, Victoria, at the time, and therefore, decided to spend Christmas, and its surrounding holidays, in Washington. By default I was then invited to Congresswomen Andrea Wyatt's annual New Years Eve bash.  
  
The party was a black tie event where Maryland, and in turn Washington's finest wined and dined and spent their money to support inner city schools. Josh was an invited guest. I was his date.  
  
As every year, the event was a smash, and for once instead of being one of many senior assistants, I actually felt like I belonged. Josh spent the entire evening at my side. He refused to talk politics with anyone who came calling with questions or comments and introduced me to people I didn't know as just Donna, not his assistant Donna, not Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff Donna, just Donna. It was nice. Really, really nice.  
  
We even danced. And for some reason it was different from all the other times before. This time he seemed to hold on a little tighter, and he stared more, at me, instead of at the people around us. I felt like we were in our own little world.  
  
When the clock struck twelve I received a tender kiss on the cheek and while I was disappointed, it didn't really bother me all that much because for some reason I knew that there was more to come.  
  
By twelve fifteen I had received kisses from Toby, Leo, Matt Skinner, Chris Wick, Sam (who was in town visiting his "family" for the holiday), Lord John Maybury, Mike Casper, and even little ol' Ryan Pierce who was in attendance as the date of a Congresswoman very much older than he.  
  
At exactly twelve seventeen (and believe me when I say EXACTLY twelve seventeen) I found myself alone with Josh, in the entrance way to the beautiful Mansion that held the gala event, watching him stare me up and down.  
  
I have to admit that I was slight inebriated and Josh had had his daily allowance of two beers so we were both feeling pretty good. I smiled at him, as I often do and he just continued to stare, as though he was undressing me with his eyes. He'd later confess to doing just that. We couldn't have been more than five feet away from each other but the two steps it took him to get to me seem to take an eternity. For a moment we stood eye to eye, almost daring one another to make the first move. In the end, it was Josh who initiated what would be the first of many kisses that evening.  
  
It felt good. Better than good, it felt great. Kissing Josh, touching Josh, being that close to Josh was like nothing I'd ever imagined. It's so clichéd to say this, but it was better. I assumed our first kiss would be mind blowing. An explosion of the sense – the end of life as we know it – if you must, years of pent up sexual tension transfusing between two people so eager to be a part of each other, that the actual experience of kissing would be lost in the feeling of finally being able to do what had been forbidden for so long.  
  
It was nothing like that. Instead it was comfortable. Kissing Josh felt like something I'd done a million times before, only this time, I was actually doing it right. It was sweet, and soft, and feverish, and passionate all at the same time. Trying to explain... it's just impossible. It really was just better than anything I'd ever thought it could be, and let me tell you, that's saying a hell of a lot.  
  
In the car, that's where Josh popped the question.  
  
"Come home with me?" he asked when the kissing came to a lull. "Please..." he added with a dimpled grin as his hands continued their quest, beneath my coat, of exploring ever inch of my dress free back.  
  
Someone could have offered me a million dollars right then and there and I STILL couldn't have said no.  
  
I just nodded, staring into his deep brown eyes. Words really weren't enough to explain how much I wanted this. This time I was the one to initiate the kissing. I really liked the kissing.  
  
An hour later we were in Josh's bed. My dress, red, sexy, and overpriced (but well worth it), long abandoned somewhere between the dining room and the bedroom, left me clad in a black lace bra and underwear set. On top of me was Josh, his hands roaming my body at a leisurely pace, the complete opposite of his tongue, which was very quickly exploring my mouth. I have to admit that I had fantasized of Josh like this, many, many times, but never in my life did I expect him to be so caring, so gentle, so attentive. I have never wanted a man more in my life. He was naked, except for a pair of silk boxers, black silk boxers, and I swear to you I moaned when the cool fabric brushed up against my hot skin. It was amazing. Perfect. He was perfect. Even if he said different. Even if he hesitated before taking his shirt off, afraid of me seeing his scar. I think thought, that I did a pretty good job of moving him past the hesitation as I kissed every square inch of sensitive pink skin. No matter what I said or did, I don't think that he realized that, regardless of his scar he was still Josh, my Josh, and that's all I wanted.  
  
But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we should stop. I wanted this, oh how I wanted this, I DREAMED of this... but it wasn't right. And it wasn't because I might have been drunk, or because I was scared, or because someone may have seen us leave the party together. It was because if we did this, if we crossed this line, if we let this thing happen between us, there'd be no turning back. With only two years left in office we could ruin everything we worked so hard at achieving. The political ramifications were deadly and we were already well on our way to experiencing that first hand. We were still living with the reverb from what happened after Gaza and the last thing either of us needed were more rumors.  
  
Everyday I am more and more amazed by how in sync Josh and I are. As if he could read my mind, he stopped kissing me and when I opened my eyes, I knew exactly why.  
  
"Donna..." he was breathless and with good reason. "We can't..." his eyes closed and when they opened up again he looked so sad. I understood that sadness.  
  
"I know," I whispered. Reaching up, I lightly traced my index finger over his bottom lip. "I know," I repeated softly.  
  
"I'm so sorry," he sighed, lying down beside me. I rolled over to face him.  
  
"It's not your fault," I said grabbing one of his hands, dragging It away from his face where he was busy digging his knuckles into his eyes.  
  
He let out a cry of frustration and then looked over at me and we both laughed.  
  
"Donna I..." I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it. He would have confessed, I know it, and I wasn't ready for that.  
  
"Shhh..." I breathed, covering his lips with my fingers. "Don't," I said shaking my head. With his free hand he took my hand and kissed my fingertips before nodding.  
  
"Will you stay?" he asked turning to face me.  
  
"Do you have something comfortable that I could borrow to sleep in?" I asked smiling sweetly.  
  
"You mean do I have more clothes for you to steal from me and never return?" he asked with a smirk.  
  
"That's a nasty accusation Joshua," I teased. I was amazed at how comfortable it was to banter with Josh in his bed, wearing close to nothing.  
  
He laughed and kissed me one final time before getting off of the bed to find me some clothes.  
  
And that was that.  
  
The next morning we went out to breakfast, he took me home, and we never talked about it again.  
  
Back to reality... we're still kissing. I swear to you, I could kiss Josh for the rest of my life. Screw eating and sleeping, and yanno doing other things that are worthwhile, let THIS be my job.  
  
His hands are in my hair and nothing else seems to matter until suddenly I'm reminded of Harvard and the decision of my life. This SUCKS! Well not this. This, right now, the way Josh has managed to make this position less awkward and more comfortable by sitting on my lap, THIS, is actually nice. Life on the other hand... LIFE SUCKS!  
  
The phone ringing in the distance reminds me of when you're dreaming and your phone rings and at first you think it's a part of the dream and then you wake up to realize it's actually your phone. At first neither of us hear the ringing, or rather, neither of us care, but finally, since this is the white house and we are semi important people, Josh gets up and moves behind the desk to answer.  
  
"Josh Lyman," even his authority is sexy. "SAM!" we both smile as Josh sits. "How's it goin' man?"  
  
I wink at Josh and then slink out of the room to let them speak as men do. With any luck Josh will transfer Sam to me when they're done. He better, I'll kill him if he doesn't. I miss Sam, the man who fired a member of his campaign staff for calling me dumb, my partner in crime with Karen Cahill... my confidant. He's gonna freak when I tell him the news. 


	5. Call It Like We See It

Part V- Call It Like We See It  
  
We just call it like we see it. Call it out as loud as we can. And then afterwards we call it all water over the damn. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
I can't remember a time when I've sat at this desk and had absolutely nothing to do. I've packed everything, rearranged the box I've packed it all into so that my stuff fits efficiently, and searched through other desks and drawers that I've used over the past eight years to make sure that I haven't left anything behind. This is just sad.  
  
I really cannot WAIT until Josh transfers Sam to me. I'm staring at his door again, Josh's that is, like it's the most interesting thing I've ever seen. I closed it when he started yelling. Not the bad yelling but the good fun loving Josh 'happy to be talking to his best friend' yelling. I can almost tolerate him when he's like this. Almost... and only because I know first hand just how much he misses Sam.  
  
Against my better judgment and to fight boredom, I log on to my computer one last time. I know I don't have any e-mail and looking at my White House account is just going to make me depressed but that doesn't stop me. I wait for the right programs to boot up and laugh. The other day I went ahead and started myself a yahoo account, DonnaM7yahoo.com... I wasn't feeling too creative at the time. Other than your general daily spam, I have yet to receive anything worthwhile. The password to this account, like all others is redlights – one word, no spaces... I'm predictable like that.  
  
As expected no mail at the White House account and unless you count the "Fifty One Ways to Enlarge Your Penis" message I received from Y#$Ldh&!$YHo&Mhot4u.com, on my yahoo name, logging onto the computer was pretty much pointless and I haven't even wasted five minutes. I quickly log out, shutting the machine down completely and sigh just in time to hear Josh bellow for me. I open his door and smile.  
  
"Yes Master," I joke, bowing my head.  
  
"Sam's on three," he says rolling his eyes as he smirks.  
  
"Thanks," I reply and turn to leave.  
  
"Come back when you're done!" he calls out sweetly just as I close the door. I smile to myself because he doesn't need to tell me twice.  
  
"Hello gorgeous," I say in my best impression of a sexy temptress. I am greeted with Sam's laughter on the other end.  
  
"Donna," he begins and I bet he's smiling too. "It's been too long," he adds with a sigh. "I miss that voice," he chuckles. "I wish I could be with you guys today."  
  
I bite my bottom lip because I fear tears. I wish he were here too.  
  
"Josh tells me you're lovely as always," he adds for good measure, and to break the tension that has seemed to grow out of the sadness. I'm smiling again. I wish he could see me.  
  
"Josh likes to embellish."  
  
He laughs at my comment.  
  
"He tell you what we talked about?" Sam asks sweetly.  
  
"Hardly," I reply with a laugh. "More like Sam's on three, shut the door," and maybe I like to embellish too.  
  
Sam continues to laugh right along with me.  
  
"He says he's gathered he finally found himself a clue," Sam provides quickly.  
  
And suddenly I'm glad that Sam can't seem me because I'm blushing.  
  
"Something like that," I reply with little effort.  
  
"Hawaii?" he asks and I'm sure his bright blue eyes are shining.  
  
"Wouldn't you say it's about time?" I offer and Sam's laughing again.  
  
"I told him that he's just begun to realize what we've all know for years," he pauses. "Maybe even you too Donna... know what he told me?"  
  
"He's known all along." I say softly, because I already know the answer.  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
Because I've known too...  
  
"Because I've known too," way to go truth. Sometime I wish that my mind and my mouth would work together and form some filters.  
  
Sam's silent for a moment.  
  
"Donna have you been holding out on me?" he asks quietly and he's so sincere that I start to miss him and his steadfast sincerity even more than before. Maybe, after Hawaii, I'LL take a little impromptu trip to California.  
  
"Maybe..." I reply with a short laugh.  
  
"Do you love him?" Sam asks. Way to get to the point there Samuel.  
  
"Sam..." I begin, trying to avoid this. Its not like he doesn't already know the answer but I feel like if I'm going to be making any kind of solid confession it should be to Josh and those aren't words that we've ever used yet, at least not out loud.  
  
"'Cause he loves you," Sam continues. "I mean you know that," he laughs or more, chuckles. "I'm sure you know that... you've probably always known that..." he sighs. "Anyway, he told me about Harvard. He's so proud of you," I can tell he's smiling again. I smile too. "I'm proud of you too," he adds and then there's a long pause. I have no idea what to say so I wait for Sam to speak up. "And I know... we both know, that you're going to make the decision that's right for you," he finishes.  
  
"I know," and I'm confident in my reply. "It's just..." I pause, afraid of my own voice. "I do... love him," I add. "It's just more complicated than that.  
  
"Donna..." and there's that sincerity again along with some incredible patience. I guess if you had to put up with the drama that is Josh and I for as long as Sam has, you'd have to have a LOT of patience. "I have immense faith in you," is all he says.  
  
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Sam?  
  
"Thank you," I whisper because if I talk any louder, I might cry. Damn this day for already being so emotional.  
  
"He loves you too," Sam repeats. "Remember that."  
  
I smile even though tears are spilling down my cheeks. When I don't say anything for a long moment, I think Sam becomes concerned.  
  
"Donna..." he is definitely worried.  
  
"Yeah?" I reply, my voice cracking as I speak.  
  
"You alright?"  
  
"Yes," I laugh. "No," I laugh some more. "I don't know..." then there's the smirk. "Sam?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can I call you back later?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Kay..." and with that I abruptly hang up the phone and bolt out of the bullpen towards the voice of reason. With a series of deep breaths and a quick once over in the reflection of the glass to the unoccupied Deputy Communications Director's always-empty office, I am ready to knock on Toby's door. I am greeted with a gruff salutation from the other side and then a chorus of a child's voice singing for me to come in.  
  
I stumble slightly as Huck throws himself at me the minute I enter the room. I pick him up and put him on my lap as I take a seat on Toby's couch.  
  
When he finally looks up from his task at hand, packing away the clippings that have littered his corkboard for the past eight years, his face falls. It's so scary that this man can read me like this. But I've come to expect it over the years. As much as he'll never admit to it, Toby has become kind of like my own personal guardian. He's been the only one to tell me the god's honest truth when needed, and as a constant support system for me, I know I could trust him with my life. I love him. I can't even begin to explain his importance in my life.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asks immediately rounding the desk. Fatherhood has softened him. Only a little, and only really when weepy women are concerned. I blink back a new set of tears as Huck paws at my new necklace, twirling it around in his little hand.  
  
"Where's Molly?" I ask weakly. Today misdirection is my vice. He sees right through me as always.  
  
"Bathroom with Andi," he's quick to provide a simple explanation and just as quick to narrow his eyes at me because he knows that I didn't come here to visit with the kids. "Donna," he begins taking a seat across from me. "What did he do this time?"  
  
I laugh and Huck laughs with me the way small children do when they think something is supposed to be funny. Ever since after my thing in Gaza Toby has probably been my biggest supporter in the Josh and Donna saga. I've heard it said by many different people but Toby is the only one I believe when I hear the words 'hurt her and I'll kill you,' spoken about me, to Josh.  
  
"I..." really, I have no idea where to even begin. "I'm going to Harvard," I decide to share on a whim. Months ago I hinted to Toby about wanting to go back to school. He was a big supporter of the idea, which probably explains why he's smiling and suddenly I'm smiling back because it's such a rare, rare, occurrence.  
  
"So I've heard..." he offers, scratching his beard as he nods. Huck looks to his father and laughs again.  
  
"Uncle Josh went to Harvard," Huck beams. Josh's influence on this child is disconcerting.  
  
"That he did," I reply sweetly and Toby chuckles.  
  
"Huck," Toby begins in the usual quiet and serious tone that we've all grown to love. "I need to talk to Aunt Donna for a moment, grown up talk," and I love that he treats his children as equals. Maybe if my parents were that way when I was growing up I wouldn't resent my mother so much. "So how about you hop on down from there and I'll let you sit at my desk and color."  
  
"Really?" Huck's eyes light up.  
  
Toby stands, offering Huck his hand. Huck gives me a quick, yet sloppy kiss on the cheek, and then follows Toby. Its mere seconds before Toby is back to the chair.  
  
"Congratulations," he says with a nod. "Although I don't doubt that you could have gotten into school anywhere."  
  
I nod back.  
  
"SO... what is this really about?" he asks with a sigh.  
  
"Uncle Josh!" we hear Molly shout from the other side of the door and I laugh as her little footsteps are heard scurrying across the bullpen. Thanks Mol.  
  
I bet he's looking for me.  
  
Toby notices my discomfort and quickly puts two and two together.  
  
"My daughter just hit the nail on the head huh?" he questions. I nod. "He's pressuring you to stay here?" Toby guesses.  
  
Am I bad to be wishing that were the case?  
  
"No," I shake my head and close my eyes. Fresh tears begin to threaten once more. I take another deep breath before speaking again. "The exact opposite."  
  
Toby takes a moment to digest my response. Be strong Donna, I tell myself. I have never been such an emotional mess in my entire life. After Rosslyn, even after Gaza, I managed to hold it together better than this.  
  
"He's scared," Toby replies suddenly, as though it's painfully obvious. I dunno maybe it is and I'm just blind. Either way, I have to question Toby's assessment.  
  
"Why?" I think I actually whine.  
  
"Donna..." Toby's expression is pained. I can tell he's torn. Sam wasn't kidding when he suggested that everybody knew about the prospect of Josh and I a long time ago. I wonder why when Sam and I talked about it, he never once mentioned the fact that everyone here cared this much. "I never told anyone this," Toby continues. "But I saw you... you and Josh... at the New Years Eve party. I saw you..."  
  
My hand is over my mouth in an instant.  
  
"I saw..." he chuckles. This is SO weird. "It's the real thing Donna..." Toby sighs. "He's scared because you two are the real thing. And like everything else in the world, he's scared he'll lose you," Toby shakes his head. "I've said too much. You two should talk."  
  
I nod.  
  
"We're going to Maui," I offer.  
  
Toby nods too, only slower. He's perfected this slow, I know something you don't know, nod. That's when it hits me.  
  
"You knew?" I ask, eyes wide.  
  
He nods again and suddenly I can feel the color rising to my cheeks.  
  
"And?" I ask nervously.  
  
"It's a bold gesture," he replies slowly. "Not as bold as buying a house but..." Toby stops lost in thought. Suddenly I'm aware that this is probably all I will get from him. Maybe it's better this way. "Are you going to go?"  
  
I stare at him like it was even a question. Then I answer.  
  
"Of course," it comes out with no hesitation.  
  
"Good."  
  
"Was he worried I'd say no?" I ask frowning. Toby doesn't reply. Right now, at this moment, I feel like everything that I've known and learned my entire life is completely wrong and opposite. I wonder if this is how things are going to be from now on?  
  
I open my mouth to speak and ask yet another painfully obvious question but stop when the door opens and Molly peaks her head in followed by Andi and Josh.  
  
"Leo just called my office," Josh begins stepping into the room only after looking cautiously from me to Toby and then back to me again. "He said that the President is threatening to send out the Calvary, yanno, because he still can... if we're late.  
  
Andi is behind Josh smiling and Toby smiles at her before going to the desk and pulling Huck up and over it. With Huck in his arms and Molly's hand in his he makes his way out the door. Andi follows leaving Josh and I alone for a moment.  
  
He looks nervous and I feel nervous. We make a great pair.  
  
"Shall we?" he asks, extending his hand. I take it with a smile.  
  
"Absolutely," I say grabbing him, preparing to pull him out the door. But Josh doesn't budge. Instead he pulls me to him and plants a sound kiss on my lips.  
  
It's going to be a long night. 


	6. The Moral High Ground

Part VI - The Moral High Ground  
  
Maybe the moral high ground isn't as high as they say it is. Maybe we are both good people who've done some bad things. I just hope it was okay, I know it wasn't perfect. I hope in the end we can laugh and say it was all worth it. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
The Residence... when people ask me what my favorite part of the White House is, I always answer the Residence. Sure the Oval Office is amazing, but the grandeur is too overbearing for me and as for the Rose Garden... well I've never been one for flowers, at least not the kind you plant, and really in a place like DC, which experiences, in essence, all four seasons, most of the time its just a bunch of barren bushes.  
  
But the Residence, the Residence is beautiful all year round. We're invited up here several times a year and each time I get excited and the prospect. It's a pipe dream but someday I'd love to live in a place like this.  
  
Everything about the Residence is just so... amazing. Every time I'm up here I spend half the time looking around in awe. Today is no different. Only I think that this is the first time that Josh has ever noticed my wonderment because as we mount the stairs to the West Side family room, I can see him watching me and smirking. Any other day and this might have bothered me. Today...today everything feels different  
  
He's on my right, his hand on the small of my back. The gesture is extremely comforting yet it makes me uneasy at the same time because I feel like the more comfortable that I let myself get, especially with Josh, the harder things are going to be in the long run.  
  
I've stopped focusing on Harvard and begun focusing on Josh for the ten minutes that it takes us to get through the professional wings of the White House, but I know that soon enough we will be in the company of more than one person who will make a very large and very public deal out of my decision making, mainly, one almost former President, Josiah Bartlet.  
  
Josh keeps giving me these looks, like he can sense that something is wrong. I mean he knows that something is wrong. A private conversation between the two of us, one where we actually speak in meaningful sentences, to each other, is long overdue and we both know it. But this... this is more than that. And when I look at him and he's frowning off into the distance, I know that this dinner and mingling, even if it is with our closest friends, is going to soon become unmanageable.  
  
Yesterday when Doctor Bartlet told me that she was going to make sure that Josh brought me along tonight, I was excited. Yesterday I hadn't anticipated ANY of today panning out as it did. Man am I naive. Josh's stubble admissions haven't really been much of a surprise, and I know that telling the people that I love that I will be going away to school at Harvard was going to be trying to begin with. But never in a million years did I think that I'd be so completely unhinged today - so off the wall in my emotional range. I mean I knew that I'd be experiencing some form of melancholy, but I never would have anticipated being plagued almost paralyzed even with these overwhelming anxieties. I will not be totally surprised if I vomit before the night is over. What have I done?  
  
We enter into mass chaos in the West Family room. Huck and Molly are running circles around Charlie who seems to be trying to have some sort of civil conversation with Zoey. CJ is sitting on a very regal looking sofa, shoes kicked off, wine glass in hand, laughing at something Leo - who is sitting comfortably across from her - has said. Andi and Toby are sharing a private moment, sans children, in the corner by the mini-bar. And the President, who has his arm wrapped protectively around the First Lady's waist, is the first to spot Josh and I.  
  
"You've made it!" he beams as Josh and I enter. I nearly sigh when Josh breaks contact - his arm falling limply to his side. Instead I opt for a smile as Josh speaks for us both.  
  
"We took the long way," Josh offers. "For old times sake," he adds with a wink. He's smiling too. There's a story behind this but I'll save that for another time.  
  
"I see," The President replies, giving both Josh and I a suspicious once over. "Well friends," he begins, louder this time, speaking to us all. And I am reminded how much I love this man, even throughout every hardship of the past eight years. I am going to miss him like I missed my father the first few months after I left Wisconsin. I swallow down the lump that has started to form in my throat. This really is the end of an era. My personal problems now seem so small compared to the loss that the man before me must be feeling. Suddenly I am more sad than I was before and that's saying a lot.  
  
The talking and idle chatter that once consumed the room ceases. Even Molly and Huck, who have always been favorites of the President's, seemed to have calmed, sensing the seriousness of the impending conversation just by the room's sudden change in tone.  
  
"I've asked you all here today," the President continues. "Because each of you has played an integral part in these past eight years here and I felt it only right to share my gratitude with all of you at once."  
  
I have no control of the tears that are suddenly dribbling down my face. And I'm only slightly aware of Josh's hand in mine. I look at him and he's smiling at me. His smile is so honest, so pure, so reassuring that I can't help but smile back. And as quickly as they appeared the tears are gone. The President smiles at all of us and its almost as though I can actually feel a sense of calm transcend the room.  
  
Harvard is an afterthought. I don't think that I've ever been more in the moment in my entire life.  
  
"I wrote something down," the President ambles on. He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a note torn from a yellow legal pad and then crumples it up right before our eyes. "But we all know that these things never work out the way that we want them to. This wasn't something that I could ask you," he gestures to Toby. "To help me with," Toby and the President exchange nods. "I thought about calling Sam," he adds with a laugh and a shake of his head. "He's probably busy with Senate stuff... at any rate..." the President sighs. We are all so captivate by him that I think he could be reading the phone book to us and we'd still be a band of brothers staring at our commander with nothing short of total adoration. When people asked me why I just picked up and left Wisconsin to head to New Hampshire I always tell them it was because of Bartlet. Because of his essence, because when I saw him on television I wanted nothing more than to work for someone with such a commanding presence. That's why I chose him... that's why I choose to go there. Well that and the fact that New Hampshire was a hell of a lot closer to Wisconsin than Texas.  
  
I smile at the memory of my first day on the job. The words 'I think you'll find me valuable' echo in my head. No one could know how scared I was that day. I steal a look at Josh, whose hand encases mine, but he's looking at the President. It really doesn't matter to me though. I could study him forever. Instead of staring into the depth of his eyes, as I would if he was looking at me, I take to my own study of his profile. So strong, so regal... I really do love just looking at him. And it's not even that he's gorgeous, I mean not at all by typical standards but there's something about his manner, that cockiness, that just radiates from his aura, its so incredibly sexy.  
  
My study takes more concentration than I thought as I finally look away to find that the President has moved on slightly in his show of gratitude. So maybe he's not quite as commanding a presence as I thought. Or maybe I'm just HOPELESSLY in love with his Deputy Chief of Staff. I'm sure that he'd forgive me for this blunder.  
  
"Isn't it funny," the President is chuckling. He has the most amazingly kindhearted laugh. "How sometimes something someone say, or does, can either make you lose faith in the human race, or gain hope?" he shrugs, but with the slightest hint of a smile. "Either that or we're incredibly naive or gullible..." his voice trails off, as if he's suddenly pondering his own thought. It's incredibly endearing. "I dunno... maybe we were wrong all along..."  
  
As if on cue, Leo shakes his head, he's smiling at the President.  
  
"Either way," the President looks to the First Lady who is right next to him, never missing a beat, and then back to his faithful soldiers. "I like to think that something we did, or something we said, gave faith to all of those people who before us had," he's looking directly at Leo now. "Brought the bar down so low over the years that they were actually excited to suddenly have a reason to care."  
  
And Leo's smiling up at his best friend once again.  
  
In an instant I see Sam and Josh in their place ten years from now, and suddenly I'm smiling too.  
  
"But its not just the faith that we gave to others," the President continues. "But the faith that we had," he stops to correct himself. "Still have," he nods. "In each other that really helped carry us along this far. We all took risks. Risks on each other, risks on ourselves... knowing what we had to lose, but risking it anyway... because that's what life is all about," he looks to Abbey who smiles and then suddenly his eyes are on Josh and I. I can feel my face flush. Josh's grip on my hand becomes tighter. I may have to kiss him soon.  
  
"We have been through so much in our time here..." he's pondering again. "Good, bad, happy, sad," the President laughs as Toby visibly cringes at the rhyme. "The world has watching us in our brightest moments and our darkest hours. You all have been behind me to celebrate my... our accomplishments, grieve our losses, and mourn our failures. But that's the outside stuff... what's important is the inside stuff. The stuff I have been privileged enough to see and love."  
  
Suddenly I feel Josh's hand slip out of mine and for a moment I physically ache at the lose of contact. I look over to Josh and immediately find all of the explanation that I need.  
  
Molly is in his arms, her own little limbs wrapped tightly around Josh's neck and torso. One of his arms holds her, the other strokes through her messy mop of red curls. He whispers something into her ear and she nods and smiles.  
  
The two of them mesmerizes me. Here I stand watching Bartlet's pit bull cooing into the ear of his surrogate niece and my heart is melting. Suddenly I have a vision in my head of what my own daughter, with a mop of brown curls, just like her father's, would look like. She'd be like Molly quite, and smart as a whip. She'd definitely have Josh's dimples and probably my sensitive alabaster skin. Josh would hold her, just like he's holding Molly and I would just watch in awe as my creation bonded with the man that I love.  
  
And then just as suddenly as the vision came its gone and I'm left paralyzed with fear. Two years to finish college and god knows what else after that. By the time I have children I will be forty. And what about a career? I want a career. What about Josh's career? I mean with getting Sam into the White House and all... whoa where did that come from? Josh and Sam and they're drunken dreams have really left an impression in my mind.  
  
Notice how I'm afraid that I'll be having children too late in life, but I never once question that whatever child I do have, Josh will be the father.  
  
Shit I've missed another entire section of the President's speech. I hope he doesn't quiz us later... on our last day here its totally something I can see him doing.  
  
"We all take different paths in life," his eyes scan the entire room. He's greeted with a silent chorus of nods. I am so lucky to have jumped into the conversation at just the right moment. "But no matter where we go, we talk a little bit of each other with us," he takes a long pause before continuing. "Leo... my dear friend. From you I take courage," he brings a fisted hand to his heart and I swear that there are tears in the eyes of both the President and his Chief of Staff.  
  
"Charlie," he continues after clearing his throat. "From you I take understanding."  
  
There really is no need for an explanation as to why the President finds these features of our virtuous so he just continues without fanfare.  
  
Charlie, with the hint of a smile, nods.  
  
"Toby, Andrea, munchkins..." the President smiles. "I take from you confidence... and" he narrows in on Andi. "Determination."  
  
Toby for probably the first time in his adult life looks sheepish.  
  
"Claudia..."  
  
CJ sits up a bit at the mention of her name. The only person she ever really tolerates calling her by her first name, aside from her own father, is the President, and sometimes Toby and Josh.  
  
"From you I take sharp wit," he giggles. Oh. My. God. The President of the United States just giggled. "And compassion, because you have the biggest heart I have ever seen... and that's saying a lot considering there are some close rivals in this room right now," I might be the only one who notices the President glancing quickly at Josh.  
  
"Thanks boss," CJ responds through tears.  
  
"Donna," oh no, my turn. And just when I thought that he was going to skip over me because I am not really senior staff... then again neither is Andi. I am SO screwed. I will not cry, I will not cry. "I take from you, pure unadulterated innocence. The kind that we all so desperately need a bit of in our own lives," And I'm crying.  
  
"Joshua," the President pauses. "I take from you passion. Passion for everything you are and everything you do. You have managed to convince me with the help of your amazing passion that anything is possible. You are proof Josh that miracles can happen."  
  
Still crying.  
  
"As for you Abigal," he turns to his wife. "And my loving youngest," he turns to Zoey and laughs. "I get to take you with me."  
  
Both Zoey and Abbey laugh as well.  
  
I will bring these attributes; courage, understanding, confidence, determination, wit, compassion, innocence, and passion, with me to my grave. Because you never really lose anything. Not really... things, people... they go away sooner or later. You can't hold them anymore than you can hold the moonlight. But if they've touched you, if they're inside of you, then they're still in you."  
  
The love that this man has for all of us, the same love that we have for him... you can actually feel it swirling around the room, felt by only us, invisible to the naked eye. Kind of like those tiny dust particles that you can only see when the sun shines through a window just right.  
  
"I leave you with this quote from George Bernard Shaw," he says with a confident smile. It is in this moment that I realize that a ledged stands before me. I will forever be impacted by what this man has done for me. "Our actions in life carry a delicate balance of blame and gratuity. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing," he turns to Abbey and hugs her. A quick glance from her, in my direction, verifies what I had expected. She's crying too.  
  
Before I even realize what is happening, we're all hugging and chattering away at a million miles a minute. I know I will never lose these people, that they'll always be around when I need them, but that still doesn't change the fact that things will never again be like they are right here, right now.  
  
And that's when it hits me. Things between Josh and I... in the blink of an eye I can change all of it and what if its not for better but for worse, what if I leave and...  
  
That's it. My minds made up, there's no way I can go to Harvard. I shake my head and look up to find everyone staring at me.  
  
"Donna..." Josh's voice seems miles away.  
  
"Yeah?" I bet my eyes are as big as saucers.  
  
"I believe you have an announcement to make?" the President suggests and I freeze.  
  
There is no way this will end well. 


	7. Something To Prove

Author's Note: this is the dreaded setup chapter. It wasn't originally planned that way but for some reason my muse is angry with me. I think its because it wants me to be writing something else and I promised myself I'd at least focus on finishing one of my fic's before I did that. Needless to say, nobody likes an angry muse. So basically, I apologize now if you think this chapter sucks, I kinda do too...  
  
Oh and as for the disclaimers and stuff... the usual lack of ownership applies.  
  
Part VII – Something To Prove  
  
'Cause I have had something to prove, as long as I've had something that needs improvement. And you know that every time I move, I make a women's movement. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"  
  
I'm fumbling with the keys to my car when Josh finally catches up with me.  
  
"DONNA!" he's shouting and the security guards are staring at us. This is not the first time something like this has happened. I am slightly relieved that it will be the last.  
  
I can either face him here, or I can face him at my apartment, because if I drive off right now, I'm sure he will follow. Oh who am I kidding? I want him to follow... but at my own will.  
  
"Donna!" he's still shouting only he sounds... I dunno... defeated? Did I screw up worse than I thought?  
  
He's straining to catch his breath as he approaches me. I've stopped trying to get away. The desperation in his voice cuts like a knife.  
  
I thought that maybe in the past eight years I'd learned some things, but apparently not. Here I am, just as before, running from my problems. Only this time I guess I'm lucky enough to have someone who cares enough to hold me back.  
  
I look up at Josh as he approaches me. Its odd, and I'm probably freaking him out, but I smile. He looks at me for a moment, bewildered.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asks gesturing towards my car, the box of my belongings that I hold in my arms, and me.  
  
I stare at him for a moment, trying to think of something witty to say. Nothing comes.  
  
Its freezing but neither of us seems to notice, or care, as the case may be. Josh's coat hangs open and he drops his backpack, which until this point has been slung on his shoulder. Carefully, I guess as if afraid of my reaction, considering my unusual silence I guess, he approaches me.  
  
"Donna..." this time his voice is soft, pleading with me. All of a sudden the fear that encompassed me in the residence overrides the adrenalin from moments ago and I lose all resolve at the sounds of Josh's voice. I was running before, I will admit to that but not from him, not really. The tone of his voice, I can tell, dictates that he thinks otherwise. There is a lump rising in my throat.  
  
He's searching my eyes for some kind of indication, some clue that he's not completely losing his mind, as his hand comes up to rest on my cheek.  
  
"Georgetown," I breathe softly.  
  
His hand falls. I am SO good at ruining the moment.  
  
"What?" he asks, his face clouding with confusion.  
  
"I couldn't tell the President, I don't want to upset him," I'm shaking my head. "Not today, today's too important," I begin to babble. "I'll give the check back. He thinks I deserve Harvard but Georgetown is just as good. Its closer, I got a full scholarship," I manage a smile, trying to stop Josh from staring at me like I have seven heads. "It's for the best really," I add reaching out to touch him. As soon as Josh has processes it all he's going to be so thrilled, and really, when he finally smiles, I'm going to have a hard time keeping my hands off of him. Now if I can just convince him that going to my places is a better idea so that sometime in the night I can pack for Wisconsin and subsequently Hawaii...  
  
"No," Josh takes a step back and my face falls. This all made sense to me in my head twenty minutes ago. Now, not so much. With his frown I think I may have actually heard my heart break.  
  
"Josh?" I ask meekly, stepping towards him, trying to close the gap that he has created. He shakes his head and he looks disappointed. This is by no means what I had expected.  
  
"Donna..." he sounds weary. "You can't."  
  
"I can," I say grabbing his hand.  
  
He pulls away immediately, and I am more than a little stung. He shakes his head and I can tell that he's sorry. I just don't know what to make of that.  
  
"Harvard Donna," he says softly.  
  
"No," I'm shaking my head more to fight off the tears threatening to spill over, I think, than defy him.  
  
"You can't... I don't..." I can tell that he's struggling for the right words. "Donna..." he wants to touch me, I know he does, but it seems like he won't let himself. "I won't let you," he says finally.  
  
"Let me?" I ask. Okay, now I may be angry. "Last time I checked Josh, you weren't the boss of me."  
  
Wrong choice of words, really.  
  
He opens his mouth but closes it when nothing comes out. Then he tries again.  
  
"You're right," he sighs as he rubs a hand over his face. "Eight years and your absolutely right," he closes his eyes and when he opens them again I can't help but notice that he looks like he's pleading with me. "I can't tell you what to do, but please, I'm asking you... make the right decisions. Don't do this to yourself."  
  
"What if Georgetown is the right decision?" I yell. I'm angry again but I'm not too sure it's at him or me. I abandon my box of things, which I had, up until this point, been holding protectively against my chest, practically letting it fall to the ground so that I can throw my hands up in the air. "What is this Josh? I mean, I thought... has all this... are you trying to pacify me? Is that what this is? The necklace? The trip? The things you say... did..." I'm thisclose to crazy tears. "Don't you want to be with me?" I shout.  
  
Security is totally staring at me. But I'm willing to be money that they've been expecting this for years.  
  
"More than anything in the world," Josh whispers and before I even realize what's going on my back is pressed up against the door of my car and Josh is kissing me, I guess to prove his point. I'm kissing back and security, who knew nothing of our thing a year ago, but knows the trials and tribulations of Josh and Donna, is cheering.  
  
When we finally break for air, Josh is smirking. I'd smack him, wipe that smirk right off his face, if it wasn't so cute. Things may be a little better but I still want to scream.  
  
"I don't want you to resent me," Josh continues to whisper, his lips still merely centimeters from mine.  
  
I shake my head. Haven't I made it abundantly clear in the tenure of our relationship that I could NEVER resent him? Doesn't he know ANYTHING?  
  
"Josh..." I begin but he silences me by placing a soft finger on my lips. Soon his lips replace his finger and it's just so easy to lose myself in the kiss that I do. I could kiss him forever, really I could. I wonder where in the last twenty-four hours it got to be this way?  
  
The kiss ends and this time he steps back. He stars at me a moment, his eyes scanning the length of my body as subconsciously my hand moves to bringing a finger up to glaze over my swollen lips. I watch Josh as he reaches into his backpack, pulls out a small envelope, and hands it to me.  
  
I look down at the envelope, noting my name in small block capital letters on the front. I look up to smile at Josh but find his back to me as he walks away.  
  
"JOSH!" I yell out. What the hell does he think he is doing?  
  
"Read the letter!" he shouts back, before turning a corner and stepping out of sight.  
  
I sigh, gather my things, shiver, finally noticing the chill in the air, and get into my car. I really do need to pack.  
  
!!!  
  
The letter is more a plan of action really. Josh's words instruct me to meet him in Hawaii in ten days where all arrangements have been made; as per the envelope he presented me with earlier in the day. If I had any questions I was to consult the itinerary and just trust him with the rest. I was also instructed by the letter not to contact him unless it was a dire emergency because we'd deal with anything that needed to be dealt with, once we got to paradise. As if being in paradise would smooth things over or something. Yeah... I bet he wrote this letter before the events of our last day in office occurred.  
  
I read the letter again on the plane, and since arriving at my parent's home in Wisconsin, I've read it at the very least, two times more.  
  
By doing so, I have learned that even Josh's tiny, obsessively neat handwriting, an acute contrast to my own messy scrawl, is a reminder of why I love him so much. That, and the fact that there is very little to do here in Wisconsin.  
  
My parents seem pleased to have me back though. I can tell already that my mothers' doting is going to get old, quick. My father seems happy enough, although he's never really been one for small talk and we've avoided anything of any major importance, at least where my life is concerned.  
  
I pathetically find myself wishing that Josh were here. Day five and my mother has finally asked about him. I have yet to tell her about cutting my visit short to join him in Hawaii. I don't even want to know what she's going to think of that.  
  
And ten days after arriving in Wisconsin I'm at the airport again, getting ready to board the plane, wondering if I've really made the right decision. My parents aren't speaking to me; I've spent the past three days staying with my bachelor younger brother, Vincenzo in his sad excuse of an apartment because my parents are convinced that Josh, like Evan – a.k.a Dr. Freeride – is going to ruin my life. They couldn't be more wrong.  
  
My row is called and I get on the plane with s sigh.  
  
Hawaii here I come.  
  
I wonder if the natives are ready for the Josh and Donna saga continued... 


End file.
